My Favorite Smell Is New Tennis Balls

I have much business to attend to. Not really. That was a lie. I am going to go hang out with friends, but really, what would you prefer? Work or friends? I agree, work every time. Ha ha!! Just kidding. Or am I? Yes I am. Really? No . . . . what? That's right. Okay. What?

When I Grow Up

*When I grow up I want to be an unscrupulous person so that I can kill people who take advantage of me*

Ha ha!! I will be joking in a few minutes, but right this second I am totally serious!

It's All For The Best

Well, I got fleeced today. Totally and utterly fleeced by a cheerful girl selling magazines. The best part is . . . I didn't even want anything and I knew it was all a big waste of money, but I just couldn't embarrass her like that! I mean, I invited her in and everything. It was all my fault. If I had been firm right away then I could have turned her down, but I wasn't. I was a namby-pamby sissy and so the only person I can blame is myself. Don't worry, I've always wanted to find out what it would be like to live on the mean streets, which is what I'll be doing pretty soon because I'll be broke and I'll have to run away from home so that my parents don't find out how stupid I am.

But what am I talking about? Of course I don't have to run away from home! My parents already know how stupid I am. Ever since I was old enough to go shopping my mom has had to ask for dressing rooms for me because I was always just too embarrassed to ask myself. And one time I spent like 180.00 dollars on movies at Hastings because they TOTALLY GYPED (sp?) ME!!! You have to hear the whole story, otherwise you will think I am making it up:

One day I saw that Hastings was having a going out of business sale. It was a sunny day and I thought, "Why, I should go in there and spend some money on movies, it's a sale right? I'll be getting really good deals, right? Right!!" So I skipped merrily into the store with my little red coat and my basket of goodies for grandma. I wandered down the aisles, picking out wonderful movies and putting them in my basket. I noticed that there were no price tags displayed but I thought to myself, "They can't be more than six or seven dollars apeice, I mean it's a sale, right?" So I shopped away to my little heart's content and then when I got to the counter, I plunked the movies down and listened to the little "beep" "beep" "beep" of the happy price scanner when suddenly the nasty checkout lady snarled, "That'll be 180.00 dollars!!" I was shocked of course, absolutely shocked. However, I didn't know what to say or do. Of course the only thing I could do was pretend that, "oh, of course! I knew that they would be 180.00 dollars all along!! No problem!! Do you take credit card?" Now if you know me, you know that I will never, never say anything to upset the checkout person. Not ever. I just get too flustered and embarrassed. So anyway, I paid the horrible woman and then I went out to my car and I cried and cried and cried. Then I called my mom and told her what happened and she took care of it. Trust me, you do not want to mess with my mom. She was very polite (she is never anything else) but she was also very firm. Besides, I had used my mom's credit card and I had signed it with my name, so really I had just done something illegal and it was therefore an invalid transaction. So Hastings had to eat it and we all lived happily ever after. The End

Wasn't that a beautiful story? Not particularly, but now you understand why I am such an idiot. But I learned my lesson! I learned that if little magazine people come to the door then I should shut it and hide in my room . . . under the bed . . . in a box.

Ham . . . Wrapped In Pizza

First of all, let me just say . . . this only happens like once in five years, but sometimes I like to watch movies like "Sense and Sensibility" and "Pride and Prejudice". It usually only happens really late at night when I am slowly dying of "finals".

Anyway, I have decided to rank my friends in terms of "Who Dresses Well and Who Does Not":

Les:
Dresses really, really well. Usually with a funky and authentic flair. Eye-catching and unique. Looks like an artist, which she is.

Callie:
Dresses really well. Always looks extremely cute and innocent, which disguises her evil brain and razor sharp wit.

Ali:
Dresses really well. Usually has a kind of sporty look about her. The girl next door.

Elise (Leah too):
Total cowgirl! Dresses really well. Always looks like the fun, sweet one who will laugh at your jokes even when they're not funny. Manages to express her cheerfulness through her wardrobe.

Kate and Jenn:
I put them together because they dress the same, in fact they wear each others clothes all the time. Always look extremely put together, kind of like cheerleaders or sorority girls.

Beth (Wineburner):
Always looks so freaking put together! Even when she got like two hours of sleep. Sometimes it makes me want to scream.

Ashley (H.):
Dresses really well. Kind of casual-cool. Kind of Euro-sport. Not funky but not commonplace.

Allison (M.):
Always dresses really, freaking well. I mean, everything's the same brand and sparkles and shines. Looks like she just walked out of a glass case.

Sadie:
Dresses well, much like Callie, only Sadie's taller, so it somehow looks . . . the same.

Holly:
Dresses really well. Always, always looks super cute. Exactly like the girl in high school who dated the quarterback and got homecoming queen.

Becca:
Dresses well. Casual, but she always looks cool. It's more personality then wardrobe though. She has an aura.

*Well, I am supposed to be writing a paper so I had better get busy finding some other way to waste time and avoid it.*

It's Really None Of Your Concern, But . . .

*I have been spending money like crazy for no reason at all . . . and on stupid things too, like cocktail umbrellas. I think I have somehow been bitten by the "spending-bug" and infected with this terrible disease*

No Major News To Report

Nothing big to report today except that I have to get an A- on my French final if I want to keep my A in the class. A-!!! That's like trying and everything. But seriously folks, it makes me a little nervous, because that's what always happens when I find out I have to do well. I start having doubtful thoughts, like "A-!! I'll get the B+ . . . I know I will . . . the professor is plotting against me!! She wants me to get the B+!! This is all a conspiracy and I am going to fail miserably!! Ahhhh!!". Seriously though, I think the professor may not like me so much because I say "See ya" instead of "Au revoir" when I leave.

Some more news (and this is exciting) is that Les and I may have finally captured some odd-looking friends. The kind that have pink mohawks and wear dog collars!! We have always wanted some!! We thought about catching some and keeping them in our basement and studying their habits and keeping them there until they agreed to be our friends, but we decided, "Better not . . ."

More news . . . Les and I are going to explore this creepy run-down orphanage! It will be great! We drove past it yesterday and it's this huge, old, empty building surrounded by suburban wasteland! There's this whole compound consisting of the run-down orphange, an old creepy gymnasium, this big old work shop thing with a huge chimmney/smoke stack, old houses, and the dormitories (which have been renovated and are currently owned by private individuals). It's awesome!! It looks exactly like a place where sick people and parentless children were kept . . . against their will. Fantastic!! Anway, Les and I want to somehow get inside it, which should be easy because almost all the windows are broken, and we want to explore!! I don't know if we'd get arrested if we were caught . . . I guess the key is to not get caught . . . but we're going to do it anyway!! We have to! If we don't we won't be Americans!!! We'll be French if we don't and no one wants that! Ha ha! Just kidding Frenchies! Je me rie, n'est-ce pas?

P.S. - That was terrible French. I don't think that it's even right. I just guessed. So don't go around saying that to people. You'll look stupid. Say this instead. Tu es une derriere du singe! They'll laugh at your clever wit and hug you and give you free wine. I'm not kidding!

Callie Came Over And This Is All I Could Do To Impress Her

I just have to keep telling myself, "It's almost over. It's almost over. It's almost over." In a couple weeks I'll be done with school and it will be . . . magnificent. Ha ha! Les gets it, but no one else will, unless they've seen "A Mighty Wind", which is great by the way.

Nothing is going on right now. I just got done with class, and I am exhausted. I think . . . oh . . . oh . . . Callie just came in, I can feel the energy coming back . . . I am alive again!! Muwahahahaha!!! I am already plotting destruction and mayhem!!

There is this one class that I cannot get a B in. I CANNOT! This class is so easy it's almost ridiculous. I mean a four year old mexican child with no knowledge of English could pass it. However, it is also at 8:00 in the morning and I'm not the squirrel with the bushiest tail, if you know what I mean. Just in case you don't . . . that translates to "it's hard for me to get up early". Anyway, like a quarter of our grade depends on attendance, and since I have skipped several classes, I am getting a D in attendance. It makes me so mad, I could spit blood. I cannot get a B in this class, and if I do I am going to throw something out the window . . . possibly the professor since she is small and seems like she would be relatively easy to lift and toss.

Callie is so observant. Callie's occupation should be "spy". Except it's not. It's Kohl's associate.

Good Bye Employment

It's probably almost official . . . I'm going to get fired. Work went well, but then at the end, I was talking to my manager and this is how our conversation went:

My Manager: So why do you get ravioli tonight?
Me: Well, my roommate ate my spaghetti sauce, so tonight she's making me ravioli . . . with my sauce still, but it's her ravioli.
My Manager: The roommates that came on Friday?
Me: Yeah, they told me what they said to you. They may have seemed weird but they're really very normal . . . and very nice.
My Manager: They seemed normal to me.
Me: Good! Because they are . . . normal I mean. I'm normal too. But when I talk like this it seems like I'm not, but I am.
My Manager: (laughing)
Me: But even if I'm not it's too late because you already hired me!!
My Manager: (laughing, but still looking at me as if I am a crazy person escaped from an institution)
Me: Well, see ya!!

Do you understand? Do you see why I am going to get fired? I do too. Anyway, you know when I said that Les and I are not winos? Well, I was lying. We are falling into a deep pit of debauchery and alcoholism as I speak. Ha ha!!! I am just joking!! Actually, I'm not. At all. I am totally serious. Or am I? This mystery is too deep to fathom, but try if you dare.

P.S. - Sometimes I need to not say things outloud, but I do. That's the lesson for the day. Remember this little phrase I made up (well, I didn't make it up, but I use it to remind myself that I probably shouldn't always say what's on my mind): "Be quiet!! You're scaring them!!"

Don't Worry

*I feel like I should make something clear. We are not winos. After this weekend it sounds like we are, but we're not. You'll just have to trust me on this one.*

Nothing To Report

Well, we stayed up until five last night, Les and myself. We were watching an Asian film. It was rather good. We had to start making silly comments near the end to stay awake, but that's just because we're lightweights . . . it wasn't boring.

We ate at Denny's this morning and I got the All American Super Slammer Jammer, which is every kind of breakfast food imaginable and a small horse. What a smashing weekend!!

Now we're going to go goof off at the mall and perhaps Menard's. This is the American Dream!!!

P.S. - We have been in crazy moods the entire weekend. It all started on Thursday. I don't know what happened exactly, but we have been laughing at everything, including children crying. It could be the lack of sleep, but I doubt it. We've had less and been okay. Did you know that you cannot buy wine after 1:00 AM? Neither did we.

We Have Magic Glasses (The Drinking Kind)

We have magic glasses!! I just knocked one off of the table and onto the tile floor and it hit the floor and made a kind of grinding *skeeerch* noise and then . . . . . it did not break!! It is fine, in fact, I'm holding it right now!!! It makes me kind of nervous. What if it's a magic, evil glass and it is plotting our deaths as we shake our heads in amazement at its miraculous survival!!! Don't worry though, I'm onto it!

Things Accomplished

Today I accomplished all the things on my "to-do" list! Except buy the wine, but there's still time and it's always a good time for wine!!

*psssst!! I can see Les's underwear!! Don't tell her, I want to!!*

Kate

Kate might be annonyed with us. She says she's not, but I can see it in her eyes.

Me: "Are you annoyed with us?"
Kate: "No. Back when we first moved in together, I might have been annoyed with you then . . . but not now."
Me: (staring at her suspiciously) "All right."

Luckily Kate is nice and quiet otherwise we would be murdered in our beds by now.

*pink in honor of Kate*

This Morning

This morning I got up and skipped class so I could eat breakfast, and at the breakfast table Les and I were talking about dessert plates. Now, for you uneducated masses who don't know what dessert plates are, dessert plates are plates you put dessert on. You learn something new everyday! ANYWAY, Les and I were talking about dessert plates because she recently bought some. She said, "I love my dessert plates!" I asked her how much she loved them, I said, "Do you? Do you love them enough to marry them?". Les replied, "Yes." However, then she paused and thought a little bit and she said, "But I don't know if I should marry them, I think they're girls and that wouldn't be right . . . . but I love them like sisters!" This caused me to laugh . . . very hard. Well, that's all that happened so far.

Today I have to:
- make a t-shirt
- buy some shoes
- take a nap
- go to work
- watch that movie that we rented last night and that we were too tired to watch
- buy more wine

I think that's all, but you see how strenuous my schedule is (and I just said it like this "sh-edule", like the British)!!

P.S. - We are going to have a tea party with the dessert plates! We are going to have crumpets and we will put them on the dessert plates and then we will eat them!! Ah-ha! Ah-haha ha!

Sudden Death

Well, I am going to take a final in a few minutes. It's okay though. I am so tired right now that I don't care what happens. I just want to get it over with. Pretty soon they'll put the blindfold on me and then they'll take me into a small, windowless room where I will be beaten to death with my own stupidity. Wish me luck! If I don't scream they give me bonus points! Neato!

I Guess This Is News

Okay, I had to have my play "performed" in playwriting class today, and everybody thought that the one character was going to kill the sister instead of the cat. In fact, nobody liked the one character, but I did! I thought she was great! She was killing the cat because it was going to die anyway, but everybody thought she was some kind of psycho/Dahmer person!! She was a little weird, I'll give them that, but still . . . she wasn't going to kill the sister!! She killed the cat because it was suffereing and she thought it would be better for it to die quick instead of agonizingly slow! I guess it's okay though because they all thought it was really suspenseful, but I didn't mean for it to be that way. Oh well, poor Julia. I still think you're a nice little girl!!

I have to admit, it was kind of fun though to have my play read out loud (Karisa, Amanda, and Aaron did an excellent job) and it was REALLY fun to see everyone's stunned faces at the end!! That was great!!! I LOVE it when I fool people! They think I'm all nice and friendly and then I turn around and write all this creepy stuff and I totally freak them out! I could probably be the one who gets away with murder (but only if you don't know me that well, my close friends know that I would kill someone in a heartbeat). This one kid in my creative writing class said, "I like your story because, it just doesn't seem like something you'd write. I mean you're all "nice and angelic with your blonde hair" (his actual words) and then you TOTALLY FREAK ME OUT with your messed up stories!" Muwahahahahahaha!!! I love it, I love it, I love it!!! Callie understands! We're both demented in a similar fashion!! We would make great criminals!! Well, not really, because deep down we're both really moral people and besides I doubt that I could actually kill a human being, at least not with a knife. Well, have a great day!!!

And Then There Was This Annoying Little Bit

I want to play croquet so that I can wear my "distinguished hat". That is all.

P.S. - Holly is a complsive buyer, and I mean serious. She has a problem. I'm not even joking.

Spicy Gossip

Well, not really. I never know gossip. At least not until the whole issue is over and done with. However, it just came to my attention, and this is news folks, that we will be voting for new officers in the super secret sshhh club (I stole that from Beth). I think I'll vote for Jamin (code name Ramone). He is stealthy and quick and he is very cool and collected in a tense situation.

If I were to have a team of spies I think I would want Tommy or Ben to be the guy who does all the computer stuff, I would want Callie to be the cool spy who gets all the information from the enemy with her quick wit and charm, I would want Alec to be there, because he makes me laugh (and Dave and Holly too, for the same reason), I would want Leslie to be second in command (because we think alike), Ali because she's really athletic, one of the guys (or all of them) from Missouri because they're good with rifles, Becca because she's pretty cool, and Jake can tag along.

Now, the only thing I have left to figure out is if we would be good or bad. We would probably have to be good because some of the people on my team have strong morals. So we would be good spies, but are there really any good spies? I mean, all spies betray and kill people, so we would be bad spies anyway. Besides, spying, according to Hollywood, is tense and frightening and there is almost always an attractive member of the opposite sex looking to get you killed. Now that doesn't bother me, but it might make some of my team members uncomfortable, so maybe we should retire and become a team of super heroes. I suppose that would be pretty cool and it wouldn't conflict with the whole "moral values" thing. Good thinking! No, GREAT thinking!!

P.S. - My pants are too big for me because I bought them one size too large. I always think I'm going to like them kind of baggy but then I wear them and they are just too big and everytime I buy new pants, I think get the larger size, it's safer that way, and then I do it! I buy the larger size and I hate the new pants just like I hated the old pants! I never learn!!! Garrrrr!

I Can't Feel My Legs

I'm feeling a little down right now, and when I feel down I just want to run off to New York and do something really outrageous, like become a prostitute. That urge quickly passes though, because I realize how nice I have it and then I don't feel like becoming a prostitute at all. There is going to be an epic struggle today and that struggle is going to involve myself and traffic on the way home from school. It is going to suck like a person who has been bitten by a poisonous snake has to suck to get the venom out of their body before they die!! Does that really work by the way, because I kind of doubt that it does.

Back to the issue . . . . so I'm going to struggle through a miserable wasteland littered with slow moving semi-trucks and blissfully unaware motorists driving Mercedes SUV's and Cadillac (sp?) sedans. It will be a trial, but at the end of that desperate road lies the possibility of a nap, which, is the only thing keeping me going right now. That and spaghetti for dinner.

P.S. - Did you notice that I have cheered up considerably? So did I! I think it was the spaghetti.

The Art of Being Late

I am very tired. However, that is not going to stop me from instructing you in the art of lateness. I have a certain talent, it is never being on time. It is something that I have worked on for years, accumulating in an amazing ability to walk into any classromm, meeting, presentation, ect. at least five minutes late without any sign of sheepish embarassment.

Let me bolster your confidence in my abilities with a list of notable achievments in lateness:
- In high school I was always late, I had at least four detentions because of tardiness
- In college I walked into my Comp. class at least 15 minutes late everyday, and the instructor never even blinked
- In a college history class I got the professor to extend the grace period of "late-beyond-forgiveness" from five minutes to ten, because I always walked in at ten after.
- In my creative writing class, I was always late, and the instructor hated it, however, he liked me the best . . . . dude, he totally did!
- people know that when I say 5:00 I mean 5:30
- I inherited my ability honestly, from my mother (who is a master in her own right)

Well, you've seen some of my accomplishments, now lets start:
- First of all, if you know that you are going to be late, start thinking of plausible excuses. You probably won't need one, but still, it helps and it's kind of fun thinking of strange and wonderful things that could have possibly prevented you from being "a l'heure".
- Second when you arrive at your destination, always act as though you sprinted from the moon in an attempt to get there on time (unless it is before 9:30 and we'll discuss that later)
- Third, if you know the people who have been waiting on you, look absolutely distraught and spew out your highly improbable and humorous (always try and have some humor in your excuse, it works!) reason for your tardiness, make them feel guilty for putting you through "the ordeal"
- Fourth, apologize profusely

Now if it is before 9:30 and you are running late, the formula is a little different:
- First, have a prepared arsenal of approprate excuses (the alarm didn't go off, the car broke down, you got pulled over ect.) and concentrate on a properly grumpy disheveled look; frown and mumble to yourself
- Second, when you arrive at your destination, scowl and retain a general aura of anger and malice
- Third, when you see the people who have been waiting for you rub your eyes and look extremely tired and irritable, make them feel guilty for making you get out of bed
- Fourth do not apologize, instead, plunk yourself down in your seat and start to prepare yourself for the day as noisily as possible, trust me, no one will mess with you.

Well that's that! Now go out and wreak havoc among the weak my son!

I'm Walking On Very Sharp Pieces of Glass

Well folks, things are going so so. I haven't been fired yet, but I feel that it is rapidly approaching. Also, I haven't recieved any failing grades but that too seems eminent. Those are my predictions for the future. We will just have to see if I'm right, and if I am, then at least I may have found a new career possibility. I would become a psychic and all would call me for advice at 7.00$ a minute! Wonderful! And my name would be Madame Jahvon de la Russio Cassas Orsini Pringle Delavega Niner Evadagaba. But I would let you call me Madame Jahvon if you knew me really well. It would be a sign of our true and permanent friendship that would last as long as you kept spending the 7.00$ a minute to hear my worthless advice. Ha ha ha ha! Aren't I such a card! I mean, how do I think of this stuff? I'll tell you how! I kidnap magic elves and make them tell me all their secrets! That is how I think of these wonderful ideas, which float like clouds of sweet pink and blue cotton candy through my brain!! Well, I suppose I should leave before I start sounding stupid.

PS - If I were a pirate my name would be Red Barney.

The Cold Wind Blows on the Peace of My Mind

Les is mad at me because I deleted her comment. However, there is a plausible explanation: I thought that the link in the post did not work so I just deleted the post (since the link was essential to the post) and I did not notice that she had commented on it. Do you understand? Anyway, I feel terrible and Les's cold, indifferent manner is not helping. Right now she is staring at me in stony silence, twisting a coil of rope in her hands and saying, through telepathy, "I am going to strangle you with my anger! Die fool! Die!". I don't feel like I'm wanted here any longer. I think I'll go to the circus. Those silly clowns will help me forget my sadness since looking at their garishly painted faces and horrible red smiles will ease my suffereing through a catharsis of laughter at a bunch of poor, unfortunate-looking, hobo types. Wow, I feel better already! Well I'm off!

Oh Dear . . . .

Oh dear, Les, I think I erased the post that you commented on! But I didn't notice that you had commented on it before I erased it! Ahhhh! I'm sorry! But you know how I am, I never notice anything! I walked through a colony of ants, twice, and I didn't notice it until I was informed that, "hey, you're standing in the middle of a bunch of ants". Ahhhh! I need to become a ninja or something because I think that they train to notice everything . . . . so they can fight with blindfolds over their eyes in windy courtyards.

Also, here's another story: my manager called me yesterday to tell me that I didn't have to come into work on Friday (don't worry, I haven't been fired . . . . yet) however, he called while I was sleeping and that is never a good thing. Those of you who know me, know that right when I wake up I am still asleep and I say and do odd things that I don't remember doing later on. So anyway, my manager calls me and I wake up to the terribly (sp?) shrill ringing of my phone. The following is our conversation:

Me: Gerooo?
My Manager: Is this _____?
Me: (in an extremely dull and stupid voice) Yeah.
My Manager: This is John.
Me: (suddenly pretending to be bright and awake) Oh! Hello!
My Manager: Hi, I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to come into work on Friday. I over-scheduled, but I'll still need you to come in on Saturday and Sunday. Okay?
Me: (in a falsely bright voice) Okay! That's fine! See you then! *click*

Seems relatively normal, however, the really sad part is . . . . that I'm not exactly sure if I dreamed that phone conversation or if it really happened. I'm reasonably sure it actually took place . . . . so it looks like I'll be going to the circus tonight!

Oh Also, Really Quick . . .

Okay, you remember Annoying-Girl? The one who always talks about her engagement breaking up? Well . . . let me tell you! I am not the only one who wants to rip her vocal cords out so that she will lose the ability to speak! Today in one of my classes (playwriting) several students had to read their plays (we had to write plays in playwriting class, imagine!) and one of the plays was about a break-up. Anyway, after the play has been read Annoying-Girl raises her hand and says:

"I have a general announcement to make, and I'm serious . . . . Does anybody else's play have a break-up in it?" *the room is absolutely silent and then the teacher says something about how plays are universal and that they affect everyone but then . . .* "No, I'm serious, if there's another play with a break-up in it . . . . I just don't think I can handle it . . . ." *she goes off on a rant but I am disgusted because first of all, it wasn't even an announcement and second of all I think I might dislike her intensely and so I tune her out and think about something more exciting, like socks and how they are made*

Can you believe that? I mean come on! There is one thing I hate . . . . well there are lots of things I hate, like zombies and spiders and loud chewing . . . but this is a different hate and there is only one thing I hate this way and that is melodrama! Arghhh! I would rather be stabbed in the chest several times than have to deal with ridiculous melodrama! Garrrrr! Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I know you're disappointed in me and I don't care (I only said that so you wouldn't see how upset I am that you're disappointed in me).

The Green Monster

I thought that I should talk a little about the green monster that I mentioned earlier in the previous post so that some unaware reader (of which there are none because only Les reads this) would not think I was talking about marijuana or The Hulk, although it is a definite Hulk reference. Anyway, the green monster is my terrible temper and I decided to call it the green monster just today.

I have a bad temper and it lives in my head. Sometimes it tells me to kill people, and in particualrly slow and horrible ways. I, however, do not listen to my bad temper aka the green monster, and so I have not been to prison. Which is nice because I hear that you can get raped in that fine institution.

The green monster comes out mostly when I am driving. I am impatient and I like to drive fast and there are like a million thousand people who like to drive slow and then pull out in front of me for no reason at all. That is definately a green monster situation. However, when that situation occurs, I grit my teeth and say a few random swear words and remember that murder is BAD! I also remember that Anne Frank had to live in a house with like eight other people with little food and few basic necessities while Nazis were looking for her and her family so that they could put her in a concentration camp where she would watch her sister die and then die herself in a slow, horrible way, for no reason at all. That helps too, because then I think, "Heck! What do I have to be upset about!?".

Well, I hope you have the full picture now. What? You don't? I suppose that's okay too.

Not Much, But Something

While driving to school today, the guy in the car ahead of me was really getting into his music. It was great! I mean, he was finger-snapping and shaking his head and he was really really into it (he had to be listening to swing or jazz). I laughed merrily and that was nice, especially since I was five minutes late to class and road construction was terrible and usually I turn into a green monster in road construction but dancing-man made me smile, so I just sat there nicely instead of plotting the deaths of my fellow motorists (I just plot, I would never implement).

Well, I have said enough sir and I'd appreciate it if you would keep your hands to yourself! Good day!

Well . . . . .

Well, I feel happier now. I think it is because I got some sleep. I am still in a fragile mood, and that translates to "If you say the wrong thing I'll beat you unconcious, tie you up, and then push bamboo slivers under your finger and toenails when you wake up!". Apparantly Leslie is a "munch monster" of which she is extremely proud. Anyway, nothing interesting has happened or will happen as far as I know, but I'm not psychic (and I never said I was . . . Steven!). But I do have to do homework and I do have to study and all that craziness, so I suppose I should get busy . . . . playing video games (which is what I will probably do). I know it's shameful, but I don't care, I have a job so I can waste as much time as I want!! Not very good logic, but it works for me!

*I don't know anyone named Steven, I made that guy up so that you would think that I have friends!!*

Just Try Me

This has been eating at me all day . . . . I am absolutely sick of people bashing me and others like me for what we believe. And it's the same stuff every time . . . . how we look down on others and we're stupid and we hate everybody (especially Muslims and aetheists and science, which isn't a person but who cares I'm too upset) and we think that everything and everyone is going to Hell . . . well, I'm just sick of it. First of all, I don't hate anyone. Not even Veruca Salt, in fact, I love Veruca Salt. Out of all the kids who get to go into Willy's chocolate factory, she's my favorite. I imagine, that at this point, your eyebrows are raised, however, what I am trying to say (in an incoherent manner) is that I don't hate anyone.

Secondly, I don't think that everyone is going to Hell. Well, maybe I do, but it's nothing personal! You can believe whatever you want to believe. I think that you're wrong, but so what!? You think I'm wrong, and I'm not jerking your chain about it!

Thirdly (which kind of sounds like Turdly . . . hee hee) I don't hate Muslims. I really like the Muslims that I know. They're nice and stuff.

Fourthly, I would just like it if people would lay off once in a while, or maybe if they wouldn't generalize so much. Those who lump me and others like me into one giant category of stupid, Musilm-hating Christians are being just as judgemental and hypocritical as I am accused of being.

Allright, I'm done. I just had a tough day . . . that's all. Don't take any of this personally. Besides, you don't care anyway so I'll just smile and wave goodbye.

Major Hijinks Today!

Actually, the only "hijinks" I have planned for today is a nap . . . . and homework. Which I don't want to do at all. In fact, I am avoiding it as hard as a can. School is almost over though, so I'd better make one more go of it before the end comes and I am left standing naked on a pile of terrible grades. Did you like that metaphor? Neither did I. And did I spell metaphor wrong? I think it has an "e" on the end, but I like it better my way . . . . so eat dirt you pinko commie!! I didn't mean anything by that last statement. I was just joking. I know it was rude and low, but I feel particularly rude and low and stupid today. I think I'm going to go home and sleep until this day is over.

*Giggle*

I just have to say that I'm still sooooo excited about the email that I'm giddy. And I giggle at random times for no reason. "Is this normal?" you ask. No. It is not. It is extremely abnomal. I am usually a very calm person who does not ever *giggle*.

This Is So Silly . . .

This is so ridiculous, but I sent an email to THE Benjamin Rainbird and I got a reply back!!!! Ahhhhhhh! That is so cool! Now, you can't tell anyone that I am this excited about something like that, because that would never do . . . . this. Anyway, seriously if you tell anybody about how excited I am that I got an email reply from some guy, I'll cut your throat! Ha ha! I'm just kidding! Or am I? Well, yeah I am. I would never cut anything's throat.

*But never, ever, ever, mention this to anyone, because if they find out that I'm weird like this they might give me funny looks*

And Now . . . Something More Serious

FIrst of all, I have decided to add "rickets" and "pisscapalian" to my vocabulary and put them to regular use. "RIckets" is a disease that gives kids bendy legs and it is also a boy's nickname (you don't know him so stop pretending you do) however I have adopted "rickets" as a pseudo-swear word. For instance, "Rickets! I lost my life savings in a recent gambling venture!" Nice! Now "pisscapalian" is most certainly spelled wrong and it may not even be a word (I stole it from apiscapalian (sp?) but that doesn't mean anything except that I am a thief) however you notice the word "piss" at the beginning? Therein lies the method.

Secondly, I have come up with a new phrase (inspired by Les) which I will use for everything. It goes like this, "All that stair climbing nonsense!" It doesn't make much sense but neither does war and that never stopped anyone! So don't try and stop me! I'm warning you!

P.S. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone but the old guy sitting next to me is talking to his computer! I am totally not kidding!! Fan-freaking-tastic!

Allright

Allright, I just wanted to complain a little about this girl in my class. You can judge me if you want, but that just makes you a judger. Neener neener neener!! Anyway, this girl is annoying. Number one because she's always telling eneryone about how her engagement is falling apart and I know I should feel sympathy, but I don't. It's probably because that's all she ever talks about and whenever she opens her mouth to tell her next sad story, I want to slit my own throat. That makes me seem evil and insensitive. I'm not. You'll just have to take my word on that one because if I take the time to come up with proof of that statement . . . . . I'd lose my train of thought.

Allright, the second reason I am annoyed with her is . . . . . . she's always interrupting our discussions in class to say, "Soandso has something to say.". Now Soandso (who's actual name is not Soandso, it's actually Somethingelseentirely) is one of her dear friends and Soandso has her hand raised and is waiting patiently, like the rest of us, to say her piece. Soandso does not need someone to announce that she has something to say. Everyone in the room with eyes can see that Soandso wants to say something. She has her hand raised, as does Anothergirlintheclass. However, Annoying Girl does not say, "Anothergirlintheclass has something to say.". Instead she ignores Anothergirlintheclass and pipes up with, "Soandso has something she wants to say." It is very frustrating, but now it's out and I don't feel animosity towards Annoying Girl any longer.

So friends, the mission has been accomplished. Have a good day.

Hallooooo!

I'm going to play another game. This time instead of "what animal would Callie be?" I am going to play "what animal would Leslie be?". I have decided, after much consideration over a period of several years, that Leslie would be a kangaroo. This is because Leslie is a golden brown color all over, much like a kangaroo (or the golden brown kind anyway). Also, Leslie hops around erratically trying to punch random people (no charges have been filed) and she has been to Australia (where kangaroos come from).

Because I just saw and talked to Becca, I am now going to play "what animal would Becca be?". Do you see the pattern that is developing? Neither do I. Anyway, I am pretty sure that Becca would be a mongoose. I have come to this conclusion due to the fact that I am not exactly sure what a mongoose is and Becca is a hard person to figure out. Now I don't consider this a failure, I prefer to think of it as "randomly picking an animal for Becca and that's okay because these things happen" and actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems to make sense. Well, that worked out nicely didn't it!? Excellent!

One More Time Folks . . . .

I have had a dull afternoon and so I spent some time thinking of useless things. For instance, what kind of animal would Callie be? personally, I think Callie would be a spaniel, because she has such large, cutesy, brown eyes. However she has neither the warm disposition or anything else that corresponds with a spaniel. So what would she be? Well, lucky for you I spent a good hour pondering this and I decided . . . . Callie would be an irrate chipmunk. For one thing she is small, but that's not all . . . no indeed! She also has the large eyes I mentioned earlier (chipmunks have relatively large eyes, no?) and when she gets excited her voice rises to an impossible squeak that sounds very much like an angry or "irrate" Chipmunk.

So you can rest easy! All is right and good again! If Callie were an animal she would be an irrate chipmunk! Write it down and don't forget it.

By The Way

By the way Les, I wore your shirt today!
*The fun part is . . . . she'll never know*
Or will she!!!!??? Well, actually yes, she probably will . . . because I will tell her. I never could keep a secret.

It's Serious Stuff People

Oh the joy of sudden employment! At last, a job! Me thinketh it was a miracle! Seriously, there is no other way. I have the most absolute rotten luck with job interviews. They were a plague on my life! Well, not really, because I've only had oh . . . maybe five or six interviews in my entire existence, but still, every one of them went terribly (sp?) wrong every freaking time. I had one where the interviewer guy asked me what I aspired to be and I replied, in a serious tone, a "beach bum". I am not kidding, and I don't know why I said that, I just know that I was young and foolish and I thought that my charm and good looks would carry me through. Those who know me are laughing right now. They are saying, "Ha ha ha ha! Charm? Good looks? Well maybe by circus freak standards!". They are just jealous.

Back Again, I Just Can't Stay Away

I just wanted to try this out to see if it works.

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, moderate, disgustingly generous, relatively well adjusted human being!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

If you are anyone I know, please disregard the naughty language, but I will admit that I laugh inside when I read the word "unfuckwitted", but not too hard.

Tuesday

Nothing today, hijinks and the like, but nothing drastic or impressive. My friend Lindsey and I saw a movie, it was rather good, but one can only take so much immorality. I will not say what movie it was just in case my grandma reads this, plus it makes things so much more mysterious and intriguing. At the moment I am tired and I need to brush me teeth matey! Arghhhh!