The Art of Being Late

I am very tired. However, that is not going to stop me from instructing you in the art of lateness. I have a certain talent, it is never being on time. It is something that I have worked on for years, accumulating in an amazing ability to walk into any classromm, meeting, presentation, ect. at least five minutes late without any sign of sheepish embarassment.

Let me bolster your confidence in my abilities with a list of notable achievments in lateness:
- In high school I was always late, I had at least four detentions because of tardiness
- In college I walked into my Comp. class at least 15 minutes late everyday, and the instructor never even blinked
- In a college history class I got the professor to extend the grace period of "late-beyond-forgiveness" from five minutes to ten, because I always walked in at ten after.
- In my creative writing class, I was always late, and the instructor hated it, however, he liked me the best . . . . dude, he totally did!
- people know that when I say 5:00 I mean 5:30
- I inherited my ability honestly, from my mother (who is a master in her own right)

Well, you've seen some of my accomplishments, now lets start:
- First of all, if you know that you are going to be late, start thinking of plausible excuses. You probably won't need one, but still, it helps and it's kind of fun thinking of strange and wonderful things that could have possibly prevented you from being "a l'heure".
- Second when you arrive at your destination, always act as though you sprinted from the moon in an attempt to get there on time (unless it is before 9:30 and we'll discuss that later)
- Third, if you know the people who have been waiting on you, look absolutely distraught and spew out your highly improbable and humorous (always try and have some humor in your excuse, it works!) reason for your tardiness, make them feel guilty for putting you through "the ordeal"
- Fourth, apologize profusely

Now if it is before 9:30 and you are running late, the formula is a little different:
- First, have a prepared arsenal of approprate excuses (the alarm didn't go off, the car broke down, you got pulled over ect.) and concentrate on a properly grumpy disheveled look; frown and mumble to yourself
- Second, when you arrive at your destination, scowl and retain a general aura of anger and malice
- Third, when you see the people who have been waiting for you rub your eyes and look extremely tired and irritable, make them feel guilty for making you get out of bed
- Fourth do not apologize, instead, plunk yourself down in your seat and start to prepare yourself for the day as noisily as possible, trust me, no one will mess with you.

Well that's that! Now go out and wreak havoc among the weak my son!