Vunderbarr

And the San Diego Dynasty paintball team won the championship.

Straight Hair

I've noticed that no one seems to take skin cancer seriously anymore. That seems dangerous, but then again I don't trouble with sunscreen all the time either.

Right this moment I am eating a king size thing of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Consequently I can only type with one hand so it's slow going. Peanut Butter Cups used to be my favorite candy. My favorite candy as of now might be Lik-A-Maid or more specifically, the Lik-A-Stik in the Lik-A-Maid. I also like Junior Mints, but that's because I eat them constantly at work. Candy goes like this:
- Peanut Butter Twix
- Lik-A-Maid
- Reese's
- Snickers
- Junior Mints
- Peanut Butter M&M's

Actually, Peanut Butter M&M's are up there with Peanut Butter Twix. Leslie likes fruity candy, like Mike & Ike's. She also likes Redvines. The Ringgers and Alice Cooper are the only people I've heard of who like Redvines. If you don't know, "Redvines" are extra-hard-to-chew licorice whips. It's like eating strawberry flavored plastic, but in a good way.

I also like candy necklaces. They are so wonderful.

Anyway, down to business. I am bringing Trivial Pursuit with me on Friday and I'll play by myself if I have to. I have also decided that if I had any kind of guts that I would get a mohawk and wear a leather jacket and ripped up jeans with one of those wallet chain things, but then it turns out that I'd rather just take a nap.

That reminds me, people with dreadlocks make me so mad. They make me feel like they are socially aware and that I am somehow failing in that department. It's like their hair is constantly mocking me because mine is straight and so I don't know what bubble tea is and I'm not a vegetarian.

In conclusion I sincerely hope that Leslie isn't in Ukraine yet. That wouldn't be cool at all.

I Am Doc Holliday Suckas

There are some things in life that must be faced, and one of those things is that I am Doc Holliday. Now, others may say that I am not, but they are lying . . . or else sadly mistaken:
-Number 1) Just because you have your name written on a poster of Tombstone, on Val Kilmer aka Doc Holliday does not mean that you are in fact him.
-Number 2) I am a raging alcoholic addicted to poker with tuberculosis and the ability to shoot a gun really well while flaming drunk.

I think that settles it.

And now for something completely different . . . I was watching Seinfeld (sp?) for about a minute because then I had to leave and go do something, but anyway, George had just told Jerry that he would not turn him in to the police if he killed someone and Jerry asked Kramer if he would turn him (Jerry) in to the police if he committed murder and Kramer said, "Definitely." That made me wonder if I would turn my friends in or if I would help them get away. I'm pretty sure that most of my friends would turn me in because deep down they hate me, but it would definitely be a moral dilemma for me. I would probably end up turning them in, just because they killed someone and that's never good. But maybe not. Maybe I'd make a run for it with them to Mexico. I hope that my friends would want to be turned in or else never kill anyone in the first place, but you never know do you (and I'm looking at you JonAthan). Just kidding. I bet if any of my friends turned out to be a murderer it would be . . . well, I'm not sure. I bet each and every one of us could get away with murder. Who would suspect us? People might suspect me, because I'm forever threatening to kill my neighbors, but no one would suspect Leslie or Elise.

Anyway, it's not like I'm plotting a murder or anything, but I was thinking the other day about the best way to hide cocaine, because if you've ever seen Goodfellas, then you know that the wife flushes it down the toilet and they get in trouble. So where would you put it so the cops couldn't find it without completely ruining it? I decided that I would put it in bags and spray paint the bags to blend in with trees and stuff and then I'd tie it up in a tree. That's where I'd store it and so if the cops raided my house they wouldn't find it because it would be up in a tree. Well, maybe that wouldn't work. Now that I see it written down, it sounds rather improbable. Oh well.

Things I Would Like to Learn

There are some things that I would like to learn and they include:
- How to hotwire cars. That would be pretty cool. Plus I'm Stunt Driver McGee. It makes perfect sense for me to know how to hotwire cars.
- How to pick locks. This would be incredibly handy, however, this guy I know who works as a locksmith said that it is way harder than it looks in the movies.
- Some ju-jitsu or something like that.
- How to throw a knife. Or a machete. Either one.
- How to grill stuff. Grilling stuff makes me nervous. I'm not that bad at it, but so far I've only grilled salmon and chicken and so I would like to get better at it, in fact I would like to become a Grill Master.

Well that's enough for now. Also I think there should be a party . . . and soon.

Oh, I forgot poker. I want to learn how to play poker better. I don't concentrate hard enough for poker, and I only like to play for things like candy and not actual money. My brother makes me watch poker tournaments with him all the time and they make me ferociously nervous. Even more nervous than grilling. And also, the risk really isn't worth it. I mean, hundreds of players and you have to pay twenty or two-hundred thousand (I can't remember which) to get in and there's only one winner? It sounds rather difficult in my opinion. I'd have to be Paul Newman in The Sting to enter a poker tournament.

That reminds me, I was watching the Paintball Championship, or whatever it was called and it was really weird. These guys just ran onto this field with all these obstable things and shot paintball guns really, really fast. It seemed kind of impossible to me. They all knew where the other guys were. I think it would have been cooler if they had more room, like several wooded acres, to move around in, but they only had this football field. The outfits were cool though.

Tennis and the Like

First of all . . . there are lots of ways to hurt boys besides the "stabbing while he's sleeping" and the "kicking in the junk." I know this because one time I threw a rock at a boys face and he ran away crying, so obviously he was hurt.

On another note, my favorite game is air hockey. I love air hockey. It's soooo fun and also I can probably kick anybody's butt at it, except for Alison (because she's good at everything). I was thinking about ping-pong and foosball (sp?) and they're fun and all, but they're not air hockey. Also, I'm horrible at ping-pong and foosball is a nightmare. That reminds me. I want to play tennis. I'm horrible at that too, but it's still fun because you get to actually run around and stuff instead of just standing there, moving mostly your arms. I think we should play tennis like we did that one time, except I stood around yelling "deuce" and whatever else I yelled instead of actually playing.

Anyway, I am sooo tired, which is odd because I got up at 10:30 this morning and went jogging, so I should be really chipper. Instead I feel like I got hit by a truck. Isn't that weird? I mean, what constitutes that?

You know what else is fun? Mini-golfing. I love it. Not real golf. Except the cart driving. I do like that. But one time I went with my dad and brother and they let me drive the cart and I didn't do the best job and so then they made me stop and ever since I haven't been allowed to drive a golf cart. Ali, do you remember when the Stollers had that golf cart and I drove it into their swing set and then a corn field? That was so awesome. Ughhhh, I am so out of it.

Who Would Win . . .

I was thinking about who would win in a fight between Jenn and Leslie, and I have to say, I'm not sure. Also, you'd think that in a fight between Jenn and Holly or Holly and Leslie that Holly would lose, but I'm not so sure about that either. Holly is very small and kind of passive, but she can also withstand a lot. I say that because she was a top athlete all through high school and it doesn't look like she could be a champion cross-country runner, but she is so . . . maybe she would win. Who knows?

In a fight between:
- Callie and Leslie - there would be no winner. Trust me I've seen this. They don't stop because they're both too stubborn, although I will say that Leslie is more stubborn than Callie. She absolutely will not give up.
- Callie and JonAthan - Callie. Like I said, I've seen Callie fight and she can get pretty vicious. And she has hands of steel.
- Callie and Alison - Callie probably. Alison is pretty tough, but Callie has super-human endurance; physical and mental.
- Callie and Holly - Callie hands down.
- Callie and Traever - Probably Callie.
- Callie and me - I'd like to say me, but probably Callie. She's stronger than me, but I might be willing to take it farther than her.

Anyway, I don't want Callie to move. At all. I'm a little upset about this because I learned of it so suddenly. I mean, she thinks she can just leave? I don't think so! She has to come before the committee and ask permission. Here's the thing. Who is going to watch Hitchcock movies and read Agatha Christie books with me? Callie is the only person who knows what I'm talking about when I say "Poirot" or "Archie Goodwin." I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not totally going to tear-up when I visit her. Just you wait. We'll own that town pretty soon.

Fine . . .

Fine. JonAthan, you wouldn't be the guy who panics. Instead you can be the funny guy everybody likes, but then you die. I don't know how. Something senseless though (like a random object falls and crushes your spine and you're too injured to continue and the water is rising and you tell everyone to go on without you) and after your death the members of the group would be all depressed. Especially Traever, as he told you that everyone would make it out, in fact he promised it, and so after you die he becomes all despondant and jaded.

Disaster

Well, I hope everyone had a good time on Friday. Unfortunately I was not able to make it (duh) and so Traever, you'll have to "wipe the floor with me" some other time.

Anyway . . . not much is happening. I saw one of those lame summer blockbusters, but a friend made me go. She also paid for me, so hey, no skin off my back. And just to let you know, I never, ever, EVER talk during movies, but this one was an exception. I was my own arch nemesis because I kept making snide and sarcastice remarks regarding the plot of the film. It was actually pretty fun and made it all worthwhile. The predicaments those people got into, the movie was Poseidon by the way (I just noticed that I didn't mention that) anyway, the predicaments those people got into were fantastic and hilarious. I mean how many air ducts, which are rapidly filling with water, can you get caught in? Quite a few it seems. Also, it was almost exactly like the origional movie except no death of Shelley Winters to cheer about.

In my disaster movie, here's who would be who:
- I would be either 1) the annoying kid that everyone wishes would die, and gets caught in an incredibly dangerous situation right at the end of the film but then is somehow miraculously saved or 2) the nameless extra who dies right away because of some stupid fluke.
- Leslie would most likely make it to the end. She's very practical and I can see her slapping JonAthan in the face
- JonAthan being the guy who panics in the cramped air vent and has to overcome his fear to save the person who got stuck, Leslie's slap would bring him to his senses and therefore inspire him to pull it together.
- Allison would be the noble female heroin, because it fits so well and
- Brian would be her beau, and he turns out to be a pretty nice guy which is good because
- Callie sacrifices herself so that the two of them can live and be happy forever after.
- Jenn is the sensible comic relief who, unfortunately, loses her life because she goes back for Holly
- Holly being the friendly one who keeps everybody from killing each other, but seems to get into the most trouble and finally gets caught on a stray wire when everyone has to swim underwater a long distance but lives because of Jenn's selflessness.
- Traever survives.

Well that's my disaster movie. It would be really good and there would be lots of rising water and cramped air vents and explosions and maybe even a mutant shark. Zowie! Right?

Hi-falutin'

I did spell princess wrong! And in public too! Grrrrrr! Oh well, I'm not the most careful person sometimes.

First off, I am in a terrible mood today. I want absolutely nothing to do with anybody. However, I have to go to work and deal with people. It's going to be a nightmare.

That reminds me, my nickname at work is "Coleslaw." Isn't that weird? I hate coleslaw, never eat the stuff, but that's what my manager calls me. We also made up nicknames for these other two girls we work with. These girls are best friends and one of them is pure Irish and the other is like half Hispanic and she's always telling us that her Hispanic side of the family is trash (which is terrible) and so we dubbed them "Mic" and "Spic" (which is even worse but we did it and now it's done).

I like thinking of nicknames for people. Like sometimes I call Callie "Grubby Jack" and sometimes I call JonAthan "the Jerk who doesn't knock." Ha ha! Just kidding JonAthan! You knock now and so we don't call you that . . . not that we ever did. However, I do have a new nickname for JonAthan and it is, "Trivial Pursuit Liar-Pants." Here's the real story:

1) We didn't even finish the game. Everyone else got bored and quit and it was just you and me answering random questions that no one else was listening to.
2) I knew a whole bunch of answers! You knew a whole bunch too, but it wasn't like I didn't know any (which is what you implied).
3) There was one question that I vividly remember and I was stumped and you knew the answer, but it was just one question, it wasn't the entire game.
4) You're the worst exaggerator I know.

Anyway, I think that we should all go over to Traever's and play Trivial Pursuit. Or else everyone can come here . . . I don't care. It's just my roommates won't play with me.

And Again Tomorrow

I have been working nonstop and it's driving me crazy. I'll never make it in the real world.

Today at work it took me like seven minutes to think of Han Solo's friend from Cloud City in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. My manager and I were thinking and thinking about it and we just could not remember, but then I did and all was right and good again.

Discussion Questions:
1) What is that guy's name?
2) What is Princes Leia's last name?
3) What is the name of that dude who catches Han Solo?
4) Will anyone ever play Trivial Pursuit with me?

There is someone honking outside of our apartment. It's probably one of the neighbors I hate. I wish unmentionable ill on them. However, I would never kill them for real. I don't believe that killing things is okay. I don't even like to kill flies. One time my dad got sticky traps for mice (we will NEVER EVER have those again) and one day I found a mice stuck on one (I'm sure you've all heard this story) and he was all alive and struggling to get off the trap. I tried to help him, but it was really hard because that stuff is super-evil sticky and his little hand was caught in it and I almost pulled his tiny fingers off trying to get him out of that stuff and he was squeaking and crying and it was just horrible. Anyway, I just don't like to watch things die. Not even spiders. Or ants. I'd probably make a terrible mobster.

Needless Spendage

I am pathetically poor right now. It's because I've been spending too much money on booze and loose women. But seriously. I've been buying things that I don't need, like tacos for instance. Finals are almost over I just have this last one, the one I'm supposed to be working on now, and then I'll be done, gloriously done.

People are trying to send me to France. For real, they want me to study abroad there, and while that's all well and good, I'd have to pay like 14,000 dollars to do it. Game over man, game over. That's a little too much for du vin et des baguettes, don't you think?

I have to go take some movies back and then I will probably rent some more, which is another thing that I have been wasting money on when I really don't have it. That reminds me, gas is outrageous. I've been talking about it with my dad and we decided that we are going to become radicals and maybe do something outrageous, if we can stay up past midnight to do it. My dad falls asleep at around 10:00 on the couch, and then I make him get up so I can lay on the couch and fall asleep at 12:00. We would do our outrageous deed at 3:00 or possibly even 4:00, because that's when most gas stations are vulnerable, so it looks like we'll be law-abiding citizens for a bit longer.

There was a spider in my shower last night. I woke up on the couch at 4:00 AM and went upstairs to take a shower and there was a spider in there and I was very upset. I washed it down the drain and put a heavy book over the drain so that it couldn't crawl out again. Did you know that spiders can trap air in the hairs on their bodies and that's why they don't drown like they should? Well, they can. Anyway, the worst of it was, my dad heard me freaking out in the bathroom and he was wondering what could possibly be wrong and he said, and I quote, "I was laying there, wondering what could be wrong and I was laying there and then I fell back asleep." Very reassuring.