I Better Make this Quick

Right at this exact moment I desperately wish I were a pirate. My name would be Red Barney and I would drink rum all the time and have a monkey named Alexander de Rossey. I would wear baggy pirate pants and have a sword belt, with a sword in it. I might wear an eyepatch as well, but it would just be for looks because I have both my eyes, which is lucky because of all the dangerous swashbuckling I am currently engaged in. If you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic right there. I am not engaged in any swashbuckling at present. At present I am engaged in "being late for work".